A heart lifted to You

Dear Heavenly Papa,

I can't express my emotions over msn or facebook because people are watching and people are in my contact list. I'm just hoping this will be my last avenue where I can be truthful and say whatever I am justified to say.

At the second peer evaluation I relented and gave all equal weightage. I really thought, Jessie it's ok. You know the amount of work you have done, God knows and people see. All I wanted was to get it over and done with, forget about what's fair what's unfair, forget about what's right what's wrong. I wanted so much just to put on Your character and stop being a selfish and self-absorbed person thinking I was a pitiful person. So, I tried to bring down my complaints to the minimum and painfully learnt to accept even the bad things that came my way. Lord, did You watch me as I was trying? Lord, did You not see the tears as I was fighting?

Today, I could not believe my eyes when I saw for myself how I was marked down for the course grade while the others actually achieved a higher grade for the project component. My first reaction was "maybe the prof forgot to change the grade after the second evaluation", so I emailed him to find out where was the blunder. When he replied and said that there was no error with my grade and I realised the rest all had a higher grade, the feelings of betrayal finally began to sink in. I just felt that a few others had actually ganged up against me to sabotage my grades. That sabotage is going to cost me my final course grade mark, and it is definitely going to cost me my second upper.

Heavenly Father, did I tell you again how I didn't want to create unhappiness and bad blood, and how I stupidly worried if I were to mark them down their grades would suffer? Now it seems like the reverse is happening. I'm not even asking for a higher grade, I just thought I deserved the same grade. If I had been undeserving of a comparble score, I would accept the fact. But if I'm getting a lower score just because they guessed I would mark them down and they in turn marked themselves higher collectively as a counter measure, where is the fairness when it's three against one?

I'm really tired of this already, Father. What am I fighting for?

Yes, to top it off, my handphone was ridiculously stolen. And I've been stood up three times already, at the last minute. Three times when I badly needed not to be stood up.

I thank You Father for being there for me through those late nights and stressful periods. Precisely because You've always been there and You had seen everything, I feel so bad now that the results certainly don't match the care You've showered and the effort You've put in for me. Because of Your amazing grace, You give me strength to say that if this nonsense were to happen all over again, I still would give thanks to You. I still will go through it together with You, and I still will do whatever I can do for the project even when others do not.

I do forgive the wrongs Father. Maybe it's just emotions are taking a long time to catch up with my thoughts and decisions. I know oh Lord, You are still here and You will guide.

Papa, your daughter definitely needs some comfort and assurance now. Please, please, please.